Paradise lost

These are the remains of mud cups used to sell tea along the banks of the Ganga river, in Kolkata India. Next to them are garlands that were once used as an offering to deities.. My feelings for research work exactly!!

This post will not be long. I have been castigated for writing posts that are too long for a blog and dull, to boot.

I have been thinking of all the things I could have been doing, or perhaps am doing in the parallel worlds in existence, and if there were clear markers that I missed, that had tried to direct me to a position I would have been more productive at. I can’t think of any, except my mother being opposed to me doing a Bachelor’s in Biochemistry. There weren’t any better options then. Even if I had wanted to take be an engineer, I didn’t have the confidence that is needed to work hard for the entrance exams. I know now, that I do have a brain, a little late for it to be any of any use. Who knows, maybe thats its true purpose, to remain hidden until its presence is irrelevant. Maybe only for people like me, who are just plain lazy. It sees its uselessness and remains dormant in the hope of divine intervention.

Anyhow, the goals of most of my life are in tatters right now. Most of it was doing good science, though to be honest, even that was very early twenties. Before that was making my dad happy, which doing well in school, college or university, invariably did. In fact, until I did really badly in my senior year in high school and saw how it could affect him, I was not a hundred percent into doing even that well, as I realized later (again). What people may call a lack of the killer instinct.

I found that elusive streak for a short while when it had seemed almost impossible for me to have any hope for a ‘future’ and lost it almost immediately once hope in the name of a graduate student fellowship at JHUSOM, was delivered. It made a come back twice, once it led to results that made a thesis despite all the odds (not yet free to divulge all), and the second time when I successfully wrote and published a science story and while I have published more since, I didn’t need the KI. When an undergrad science writing instructor thought my ‘skills’ were not up to what he thinks can handle his class on science writing, while I was doing a PhD at the SOM! But at that point, my brain had made its presence felt, thanks to killer instinct reprisal#1, and I knew the guy didn’t know what he was talking about. NPR show host/ Harvard PhD. or whatever, there aren’t many Hopkins grads who I think are worth their salt, why should Harvard grads be any different.

Plus, he, like me is a failure in science. Are they not the only people who do allied services to science because they can’t do ‘science’ anymore? My problem is I did ‘do’ science or do justice to the parody of science I had to participate in because of the paradoxical situation extant in the academic world, where no one is actually accountable to people working under them. Only to some larger purpose aiming towards uplifting the world, otherwise alien to scientists. No wait, isn’t that true everywhere? The difference being that in most other professions this fact is out in the open, so it tends to be fair to the people who have the ability and resources to know what they are getting into. Unlike science, where all you have is the larger purpose of solving world problems.

I think this is an acceptable length, as an ode to a profession I can no longer profess to ever successfully make my own.

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