








These are some of the monkeys I have seen in south and Central America . A little factoid I learned in Belize was that to record what would pass for dinosaurs calls in the Jurassic park, the… whoever is responsible for making such recordings, went to Belize to record the howler monkey calls..like the Yucatán ones above).
The capuchin monkeys are known to be vicious so no one keeps them as pets but I believe the squirrel monkeys are popular as pets. All these new world monkeys live in troops, except the monk saki monkey that I saw in Peru , which is a solitary animal (I don’t have a good pic of that one as it was about 0.5 miles away and up a very tall tree).

This post should have been called why am I so dumb..But I decided against it. As you may understand later, I am trying to avoid using that word, the d*** word in writing.
Let me start at the very beginning: when I was really little, I was told many times that I was intelligent (that’s the British-Indian word for smart). I only have a vague recollection of that. In lower forms, if I didn’t make first in class it meant that whoever did was more intelligent. As I grew older, expectations rose, and if I didn’t make to top 3 that was because I was ‘careless’ and during many times my dad was giving me lessons in math(s) he also told me I was dumb using couple of different languages. I did believe him for some time, he has a serious kind of a face, I tended to believe everything he said. However, I had moments of doubt when he did often try to have it both ways, by thinking I should be top of my class while calling me dumb if I made mistakes in logarithmic equations (yes, we did those by hand in 9th grade). And I must say other than 3D vectors in geometry-precalculus, I have not had any real issues in math. Real being the operative word. I may have been ‘dumb’ for many problems, but overall, I was fine in math but I was doubtful of my abilities in it for a while. Until, using my magical powers of slow deduction I realized that baba, did not mean it when he said I was dumb. I was never certain of that, but that is just another part of my nature. After that, my confidence did increase incredibly, from someone who nearly burst her bladder because she was too afraid to ask the teacher to go to the toilet (at 7 yrs old I used to think it was frowned upon, brought too much attention to me, trying to go to the toilet in between class) to someone who talked to teachers like they were friends and who most teachers knew by name (and by fame). In India one class in a public school (MY public school, where we still pay fees) can be 800.
Anyway, I know better than anyone that intelligence does not impede various moments of dumbness. Moments that can last hours to years. Believe me. Like I have said more times since I moved to Bartlesville, Oklahoma than anywhere else in the world, perhaps trying to reassure myself more than anyone else: I actually am smart. What that means is beyond my powers of second guessing, except overall I do believe I am and have not found any concrete reasons to doubt my ‘intelligence’ despite moments, and years of essential dumbness.
I work from home, like to hide from people as much as possible and believe that work should speak for itself. I leave it to you to decide whether that is just another streak of dumbness, or naivete or, really, just a form of laziness. It is definitely also high expectations of myself (this a psychiatrist friend told me in 2012 in a birding trip). I do have hopes of actually doing something that valuable and yes, just as a fact check, my thesis research did make it into some international news, including Chinese, French and Russian, not to mention the Slate blog. I am not that proud of it. You can ask my advisor, he did not even throw me a farewell dinner that he throws for everyone leaving, even the ones who quit grad school in their 4th years, because I may have mentioned to him that what we were doing was not going to change people’s lives (another of my idealistic, stupid chains of thought), among other things… However when it was published and was even discussed as top 3-5 things on Reddit for a day, it did get noticed. I am aware that happened because my advisor talked about it to everyone and everywhere he possibly could, boasting and filled with pride, for years. Our collaborators were well known in the field, because I happened to be in a world famous institute, which by no means leaves any opportunity of blowing its own trumpet. I did do the work, but it wouldn’t have been enough without any of this.
So, I make room for my dumbness in a circumscribed manner, trying to live in the real world, attempting to learn real things. Dumbness disregarding, I do hunger for valuable things and hope (stupidly) that the other important things one also needs to make even a small impact will somehow arrange themselves around this valuable thing. How silly! Yes, you can laugh now..
At least, in my mind that’s what I think my friends would do. I expect everyone to be less dumb than I am. Lesser moments of dumbness at least. And I also avoid phone calls and have taken to texting like a fish takes to an aquarium, when it can’t have the sea. And I can’t have everyone I know read my loooong blog posts or pages of emails.
It turns out they don’t actually laugh. They are like me or what I used to be like. If I say something is dumb, they believe me. If I say someone is being stupid, like oh how stupid is it that people don’t yield at yield signs, they think I am passing judgement (this time, because I am smart and have a PhD., which I have repeatedly said has not led to anything useful yet). Unaware of the impressions I am leaving, I continue harping on people’s stupidity: people don’t vaccinate their children, people don’t care that their country is waging a war (both India and US) which is one way or another (directly in case of Indian indigenous people and dalits) seriously harming its own people and really causing loss of thousands and thousands of innocent lives in terms of death and in terms of trauma of loss of a loved one, a parent. I may not dwell on the details as people don’t like these topics of conversation to last too long. But I do expect people to understand what I mean when I say that war is horrible and all the people who scratch the bare surface and remain floating superficially on the flotsam that media produces as news, without seeing that the wars are NOT working….. I lost my train of thought about those people, but yes they are not paying attention. These wars and army occupation of territories (Kashmir) are not bringing peace. When I say remember the deal with Iran, that is peaceful settlement, who knows what they think. Continuing on with the drone attacks and the bombing They can’t possibly be stupid enough to support such a thing and believe that everyone living in a place is a terrorist!! That everyone in that place means Americans harm! Do they not realize that these people would have their own busy schedules, just like they themselves have and scores of citizenry like them have always had and have no time to actually mean and carry out harm to any other country. Of course, they would need to have normal jobs, hopes and dreams to be so occupied with their life. A country with an economy, the only true deterrent to recruitment in terrorist camps. I may not use all these words. My dad never clarified how he knows I was intelligent, he thought I would know. And I never clarify that by stupid I only mean I have high expectations of my friends. I think they are smart. I think they should not be satisfied by superficial news, to find out and understand that the true threat to their freedom is blanket NSA surveillance, the Patriot or the espionage act or the archaic sedition act in India being applied blindly. It is not some poor Iraqi, Syrian merely trying to have the basic hope of a decent life. These days it can be as low as not living under the shadow of bombs and drone attacks.
I don’t even recall calling them dumb to their faces, but I have on a reliable source that I did, most likely in texts, which made it sound much more serious.
mm..I am giving up texting.. Emails are not read at all, and in some cases perhaps that is better. I learned that I am still dumb enough to believe people read texts in the same state of mind I write them. I had read somewhere that texting was making people callous. I don’t know about callous, it is certainly making them dumb. Yes, by them I mean me, and by dumb I mean being harmful to oneself.
My cousin said that people who doubt my intentions should pray to Goddess Saraswati, Goddess of learning and intelligence ( she is my cousin, I am hoping she is right about me). Hence, the photo of Saraswati idols in the making that I shot in Kolkata a while ago seemed appropriate for this post. I sure need my head held high and firmly attached, after it was bitten off by a ‘friend’ who had had enough of me calling her dumb. !!
Here are some of my old favorite shots of portraits ‘in situ’. A term I only learned today was actually official even in photography. We used to talk about in situ protein immunohistochemistry used to look at proteins as they occur in tissues (or as close as possible). The similarity is: as we try to look at our subjects and the way we look at them, changes them; be it proteins in tissues or people in places..
I had earlier forgotten to mention, some of these people had seen me slightly before or just after I took the shot, like the blushing fisher woman who blushed at a remark by someone I was with; the man with the briefcase who had just seen me across the street before looking away.
















So why is it, people support and follow other people. Some patterns are emerging, even if I am very far from an answer. As a intrepid self-deprecating and self-doubting individual that science and my parents have forced me to develop into, these are only patterns I can affirm to be important in the absolute current affairs of humanity. I don’t think humanity has always been the same towards following a patronage of any kind (aah but there is more where that came from…. and died in hope or despair).
So, general people when confronted with what they believe is a threat to them will do whatever possible to divert it, even quite easily towards someone else, that is why heroes are heroes as well as rare, and the rest of everyone pretty much cares only what happens to them. They may also care about others, once reasonably assured of their own “security”, who can make them unhappy by dying or being angry at them for not at least trying to (pretend) to help or save them. That means family or whoever you think you need to share your happiness and accomplishments to feel that as happiness (and accomplishment). Not to be unkind to my species, there are people in between heroes and general people: who care, can think of a bigger picture and all that. I like to think I am one of them (which makes it one of those things to be taken with a pinch of salt and a red face). But I am also not a Trump supporter, haha. Unlike my neighbor who WILL hire people undoubtedly illegal (immigrants) to see to his lawn but also has the post supporting Trump on his way to make America Great again on the same lawn. It is not that he doesn’t care (although he is a bit discourteous) if one were to ask him if he wanted these people to have a good life (the definition of good is as variable as god), he probably would. He will claim high ground to let everyone know that he thought illegals were bad for the U.S. and he didn’t actually know the aforementioned people were illegals (because he assumes the best in people, or something like that). Well, most of that is wrong. He chooses not to believe it when it suits him, if he were one of those people who thinks everyone is nice then why would he be opposed to the immigrants Trump is so against bringing in? Oh wait, he is nice but racist, it is only the Muslims that are a problem ( and the Mexicans). I should mention these gardeners are from Guatemala and that my neighbor lives with his 90-95 yr old parents to take care of them. That’s how people are, multifaceted, and I will be the first to admit that the big picture is not always the most important.
Except when it is. The next president of the U.S. cannot (well, at this point, should not) be a person pandering to the small picture needs of people, who are to begin with too out of touch with the rest of the world and have been for too long. The small pictures exclude the world at large, that is why they are small. The whole thing about the big picture is: it contains by definition all the small pictures existing including all the ones some people cannot imagine. It is true that small pictures are not unimportant, we should take into account all the small pictures. They all have to fit in the big picture and no small picture, of the American picket fence, two cars, three children, 2 dogs and a cat should threaten another picture with another large family, but with no picket fence, in fact, nothing to protect them from bombs dropping from the sky. People do like other pictures just like the ones they are in, but this covert antagonism, or basic disrespect towards different pictures has led to the divisive reigns, even in India where one would think there are enough differences to make them seem normal.
Then there is this strong skepticism on numeric data, be it GDP, Dow Jones industrial average, S&P, Unemployment rate. Whatever it is. Someone, long ago planted this (like inception, but the seed was planted in many brains and is imprinted now in the descendants) lack of belief in numbers, while affirming belief in translated words as long as the spine and top of the book says ‘Bible’. The alarming thing, as noted in the blog before, leads to distrust in statistics and even casual disregard of the NUMBER of people being KILLED in wars this country wages with NO numeric (read GDP, national debt) benefit for its own people. They FEEL safer when these was are ongoing and do not care how much more in debt the country or they themselves get into as the economy suffers. How many innocent people are killed to get that FEELING of safety? It is the feeling that matters, not reality because apparently reality can be rigged, but not the feelings. As long as no one hurts their feelings, other lives are mere numbers that maybe spurious and are definitely suspiscious. Instead of this morbid FEAR of numbers if someone had planted the power of statistics, data, history and simple probability (we are not talking about theoretical physics models here!) these same people may have understood that economy and investments are numeric in basis and it bodes us well if we can look at them without fear of the unknown, to eventually find reliable sources. Instead of living in denial of their own mortality (because after all 80 is just a number: of years) and that of every index that measures aspects of society and life style, people would then try to accept reality. To make matters worse, there is whole bunch of other ‘character’ features that people think they are supporting: honesty, for one. As apparently, unlike career politicians Trump is actually honest. To the billow of laughter I would expect following that statement in circumstances I used to consider normal (and ok I am sure it is still normal in yours or my circle) until last year, we have incontrovertible proof that he has managed to accrue somehow a hushed sort of respect and awe emanating from the crowds that are undoubtedly voting for him. Oh yes.. he is so honest about all his views about everything, however misinformed! One would have thought (in the good old days I believe in but never witnessed) people would KNOW the value of knowledge and wits, over honestly acknowledging that he doesn’t know, does not want to know and moreover does not even know how to know what to know. All he needs apparently is a bunch of prejudices and a receptive, impressionable audience here.
He stands in Scotland singing praises for the Brexit vote. He is honest about how he is obviously on record being contradictory about the most important social issues of our time: on gun violence, on women’s rights, on EQUAL rights for all. Forget the innocent relatives for putative terrorists..
To give an example of why I think of Trump supporters like I do, I have presented a comment from FB, on a friend’s wall. I think it is not and cannot be apparent who made it (other than for the two of them) and I have no wish to mark anyone for anything. I just think this presents the contradictions of the small and the big pictures. So, basically people (in the U.S.) have no actual disrespect for dictators as long as they can claim (in the future) to curb violence. Yet, they are ok with the U.S. bringing down dictators everywhere who have a PROVEN record of KEEPING violence down, like Saddam Hussein, so what if they were using deplorable means? Until suddenly someone tells them Hussein is going to hurt them or their feelings. Then that dictator has to go. The next ‘dictator’ they are ok with would have to employ those deplorable means in the U.S. The only thing any media outlet has got about right in the U.S. in a long long (LONG LONG) time is disliking Trump.
The average American (belonging to the group I am talking about here, obviously not everyone here, I better explain CLEARLY) thinks there is no responsibility to participate, even if indirectly by the citizens, in causing civilian deaths through mass bombings. In the real world, banning aggrieved immigrants from getting anywhere safe is making the whole world a place for terrorist camps, but that seems to be a hard idea for people to wrap their heads around. In war zones or terrorist occupied territories, if you are one of those in power,there is some sort of protection for you and maybe your family, however tenacious. This is similar to what people in the U.S. maybe more familiar hearing about: with the gangs that require initiation, then offer protection once you are in, living in the economically underprivileged neighborhoods many kids have no option. It is easy to imagine the situation being much more dire in a war zone,just by using some minimal powers of empathy. Then there are all kinds of videos and reporting that are mostly free, streaming from Syria and elsewhere. A drowning man will clutch at anything and every hero or average person knows that. At least any one who wants to know can know that.
Group hysteria and brain washing (indoctrination) works best on the desperate, and somehow citizens of the U.S. fall in the category despite every avenue available to develop an analytic brain. I don’t know what makes them desperate to be hysterical enough to entirely ignore that the problem needs looking beyond their noses. Gun violence is at its height, I should say plateau, but those people are mostly American citizens, who have assault rifles. Not some immigrants. There are scattered news reports from Germany about immigrant initiated violence, but teenage crime is not an immigrant related problem and a machete, is a machete. That the number of suicide bombers can only go down if there is fewer people to recruit. There can be fewer people to recruit, not by killing everyone, but by enabling them responsibly. Besides, it is normal, almost but not quite Trumpian logic (he would expect the others to die for the sake of America without protest) that if you bomb someone claiming to make them safer, you actually have to make certain that they are safe as their home is a rubble because of you OR they are entitled and easily instigated to bomb you back. Their life, they have been told meaningfully, is of no value anyway.
Just to be clear, I am not an outright Hillary supporter, her foreign policy is much more openly hawk like (even if Obama did start and continue a lot of wars, he was never openly a hawk). I don’t believe she is ‘honest’, in general I live in the real world and in this world, honesty is at best a few dots in the picture and if moved around or removed, mostly makes no real difference in the big one. The only thing that is equivalent and perhaps matters a little along the same lines is integrity. Except for integrity, you need knowledge and wits. No self respecting world leader can be expected to hold conversation with an ignorant ass, who is proud to be ignorant (and an ass). It has always fascinated me how people like to believe that since there was Jesus (or equivalent) making life and living sound so simple that somehow international diplomacy, currency valuation, civil wars, foreign occupations, drone wars, terrorist camps, fundamentalism can all be explained and contained simply. Even if you can’t understand it, complexity exists and to discuss it you need to be able to keep 5 thoughts in your head. Make it 5000, per issue. Given the sort of choice we have now, Hillary appears to be a no brainer (is that simple enough?). Even so, I think its not so “historical” that as usual the US is a little behind when it comes to a female president, the world has had many powerful women leaders and premiers and it is too bad if the american public didn’t think a woman should get their votes, but I won’t vote for Hillary (or anyone, remember Sarah Palin is also a woman) just because they are women. Feminists will like Hillary because she is a woman, or some feminists. That’s cliquish and cliques are ok, till one is 12 I think. If one is a real feminist they would care about all the other women and their children physically, and emotionally tortured to insane levels in wars and troubled zones not how the coddled American or British or German, public perceives them ( as in, ‘too soft for wars’).At any rate, for America’s image in the world, it had better be Clinton.
Finally, the idea that ‘Trump doesn’t need the presidency’ is also a joke at the cost of the naviete I now associate with the general American public. No one becomes a president of any country for the money, probably not even in African countries mired in civil war, where filling ones coffers is the only real benefit in the short life you are likely to have there any way. The American presidency is about power. Every one of the past American presidents (except perhaps Bush II) has been more than capable of making more money than Trump has made, lost or inherited combined. They understood that while the big picture is highlighted by money, it is composed of and made through history and no self-proclaimed construction giant ever made it big enough to color all of it a sickly yellow- green. Not yet anyway.
More than half the year is gone as I write this, I am trying to remember the last time I felt a year suck years off me. It’s not like that hasn’t ever happened before after all. It is just that it has been a while and the last time I was young…
But let me begin with the House of Cards season 3. I am sure everyone who usually watches the show has already done so and I obviously did the same about the first week it was released. While I still recall being nearly blown away last season, by Claire, this season she the character (not the actor) was underwhelming. Last season to this season the encroachment has begun: by the ink blots that rise from the wall paper to take over the room and make everything blurry and never ending. Frank and Claire tried their wiles against each other, the Klu Klux Klan hoarding was surprisingly well timed considering the current political scenario. Nobody won, Frank got shot by the one person who knew the truth, or had an inkling of it, which was not so bad, but did not lead to anything: Snowdens aren’t born in all parallel universes, whistle blowing at high stakes usually doesn’t lead to any noise…. There was some good moments of screen chemistry between Claire and the writer. The speeches he is supposed to have written though, left me entirely unimpressed, unmoved and yes: underwhelmed. I think that was the failure, the big speech writing, the historical act of running for President and Vice President as a couple needed something more. In detective/crime stories I always look for police procedure, I think as far as election procedure goes, House of Cards is doing a good job, so that is something. The double knock in the end did finally resonate as two great minds unite to rule. If the next season is not the last, it will still be last for me. Robin Wright deserves better.
Talking of failures, one show that is NOT a failure at all is VEEP and if I were to continue watching an American show based on politics it would be VEEP.
Then, we must get on with real politics and that is synonymous to Trump these days. Of course the Brexit vote and the false propaganda by both sides that finally led to the demise of British politics as the remain side bloated risks of leaving the EU and the leave side exaggerated its monetary value. David Cameron will be remembered as the person who brought about Brexit, willy nilly, even if by most other measures he did a decent job in building infrastructure, he was a PM that reduced prejudice unlike what I can say about the current Indian one.
Now it is on to Boris Johnson, once a dodgy PM candidate, who looks uncannily like Trump’s lost sibling, now the new Foreign minister in the cabinet of the new PM Theresa May who may be crazy but post-hurriedly took over Cameron, but maybe the cleaner stuff in the dirty laundry(rephrased from Marina Hyde who is so good!). Others in the leave campaign have left, the political scene: the creepy, underhanded Michael Gove dissatisfied with success that looks like British self -destruction, wanted a more individualistic personal feel as he turned against, again, another ‘friend’ or ally to add to the list that had previously contained David Cameron: Boris Johnson and quickly took a nosedive out of existence, for now. Nigel Farage, of the UK Independence party (note the paradoxical name of the party at this point) who claimed he never wanted to be a ‘career’ politician and only waited till the referendum resulted in the ‘LEAVE’ vote to quit his party leadership and is now going to visit the US for Trumps triumph in the final debacle also called Republican national convention. Thats in July. I would call that nomination of Donald Trump, who no amount of drumpfing was able to dislodge, historic, but history is usually made by and for the winners and if this gets into history, then surely it will not just be a failure of 2016, but of human intellectual achievement of all time put together. So let us hope it won’t make it to history. It being in the present is bad enough.
I think the failure is not of the year, which started with all its hope in the people who were going to live in it and work magic in it. It is in the people who yet again choose to remain selfish and short sighted and never take any lessons. Who choose to remain ignorant and unfeeling and want no part in the aftermath of the world they created by being ignorant and selfish in the first place, only to recreate it. The vicious circle just spun back to ‘Start’. It hasn’t stopped since before Vietnam, perhaps ever since the west felt the need to rule and got the weapons to do so against the unseen enemies for untenable reasons and gets reset every time people act blind and spew hatred against an enemy they create out of ignorance and a skewed view of the world.
The year also saw me fielding a personal struggle. I don’t think I won either. Two weeks ago I would have been hopeless in writing this last line, but last night I realized that I was brave at what might have been cancer (but it wasn’t) and tried to make things work with family (and failed terribly). But we all tried. Some of us tried our best, me and my mom. It didn’t work. These days she tells me thats life. I wish she had told me that before. But at least, we tried. Tried to conquer stress, the inevitable loggerheads of contrasting personalities, the defeating repulsion of like poles, the hopelessness of caring from long distance. We tried. If everyone did that I don’t think it would be a failure. Life, that is. But democracy means, everyone does not have to.